Why Diddy Canceled His 50th Birthday Bash Twice

The star-studded 50th birthday bash of music mogul Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs nearly broke the internet this week. A-listers like JAY-Z and Beyonce, Naomi Campbell, Leonardo DiCaprio and more all turned up and toasted with the star’s signature CÎROC cocktails in honor of his half-century mark.

“It was probably one of the most authentic nights of love that I ever experienced. I’m blessed,” says the music mogul, opening up exclusively to PEOPLE in this week’s issue, and speaking out for the first time since celebrating his milestone 50th birthday.

But despite how epic it all turned out to be, Diddy says his big night almost didn’t happen.

Here’s the sad reason why Diddy canceled his 50th birthday party twice before…

“I canceled the party two times because I just couldn’t see myself partying for my 50th birthday without her,” says Combs. By “her”, he was speaking of his ex Kim Porter, who died suddenly of pneumonia on Nov. 15, 2018.

The loss of Porter gutted the Combs’ family. Diddy had dated Porter off-and-on for more than 10 years until their split in 2007.

The couple shared a son Christian, 21, and twins D’Lila Star and Jessie James, 13, as well as Porter’s son Quincy, whom he helped raise.

Combs has two other kids Justin, 26, and Chance, 13, from other relationships.

A year later, the tragedy still left Combs feeling at odds with celebrating. He and Porter had “talked about my 50th birthday”.

When his actual birthday rolled around on Nov. 4, he says, “I wasn’t feeling i.,” Instead, he opted for a quiet dinner over the type of blowout bash he’s known for. “I didn’t want to be fake. I wanted to be at a point of strength.”

But Combs — who was just named the 2020 Grammy Salute to Industry Icons honoree and will be celebrated at the annual pre-Grammy gala in January — later devised a meaningful solution.

Diddy rescheduled his birthday party for what would have been Porter’s 49th birthday weekend. “I thought, ‘I can have a party with Kim and we can party together,’” he says.

And with 600 guests who turned out, partying to the star’s hits, “It worked out beautifully.”