In this age of social media, if you blink twice, you may miss something. And because everything is now fast-paced, clarity is often lost in the noise of click-bait headlines, unending chatter of Twitter lords and visual excesses of Instagram sensations.
Enters TrueYarn to sift through the clutter, offer some insight, common sense and help you read between the lines of the ‘things wey dey happen for obodo Naija’.
Here goes:
‘Meanful’ Mercy Johnson
A few days ago, two Nollywood actresses reminded us of what we already know – that Mercy Johnson is a thoroughbred diva.
But one thing we never suspected is that she’s a “witch” who fights other actresses “spiritually and physically”.
According to Sonia Ogiri, Mercy is a top bully and “selfish snake” who takes food off other people’s tables.
The actress even went as far as saying Mercy killed her passion for acting through the “meanful things” she did to her.
“Meanful” Mercy, over to you.
Tacha’s humble pie
The other day, Tacha swallowed a Mr Biggs restaurant worth of humble pie and begged Biggie for forgiveness.
Finding herself on the verge of disqualification, the reality show star benched her unstable accent, brought out her inner Yoruba girl by kneeling and pleading for a second chance.
Oh boy… the things (wo)man can do for N60m!
Esther’s prediction
If Esther predicts that all will be well with you, quickly go on your knees like Tacha and pray for all to be really well.
Out of spite for stronger housemates, Esther said Sir Dee will win the 2019 BBNaija – but as fate would have it, he was sent packing before she could get backstage.
Moral of the story: Never let Esther predict your fate.
Moyo Lawal the saint
Every sex-related opinion you have about Moyo Lawal is wrong.
The Nollywood actress would have you know that 2019 has been a dry year for her sexually.
In fact, she “can count the amount of times I have sinned in that direction”.
There you have it. Go forth and sin no more. Be like Moyo.
Risky life of Bob
No matter how you look at it, Bobrisky is clearly connected and powerful.
How do you explain the police deploying 100 officers to stop her birthday OR him spending N19 million for a party that never held.
Within a week, the risky life of Bob got riskier as he or she went from “national disgrace” to being hunted by the police.
Meanwhile, does anyone know the whereabouts of that seven-storey cake?
Xenophobia war
On Tuesday, the most unlikely person got Nigerian celebrities crawling out of the woodwork to lend their voices to the e-protests against xenophobia.
It was none other than Hushpuppi, the Instagram – not real life – billionaire who shares the same name with a side dish.
MI Abaga was yanked off his fence of diplomacy while South African rapper AKA will not be “doing 240 on Lekki-Epe” anytime soon because the African Giant has declared him person non grata.
P.S.: If you want Kate Henshaw to answer you on Twitter, make sure you have at least 60,000 followers. In my Jamaican voice, “She don’t do small time. She big like that.”
Dangerous, seductive Lagos
Recently, a report labelled Lagos as the most dangerous city on earth – and what did Lagos do in response?
The information commissioner, Gbenga Omotosho, said the “seductive beaches, parks and arts centres” are evidences that Lagos is safe.
Don’t laugh yet. It continues.
The commissioner also cited the visit of boxing champion Anthony Joshua as another proof.
Going further, he said “French President Emmanuel Macron has had a taste of the city’s exciting entertainment scene, visiting the Afrika Shrine”.
Who will tell Omotosho that Shrine regulars were barricaded away when Macron came visiting?
Just in case you believe the well-informed commissioner about Lagos’ safety, next time you go to the Afrika Shrine, kindly ‘loose guard’.
Side-EYE
In today’s episode of ‘Ínside Life’ matters, Prophet Naira Marley says he will use his Soapy music to “heal your heart and lift your spirits”.
Somebody shout Kapaichumarimarichopaco!
Amen.