In this age of social media, if you blink twice, you may miss something. And because everything is now fast-paced, clarity is often lost in the noise of click-bait headlines, unending chatter of Twitter lords and visual excesses of Instagram sensations.
Enters TrueYarn to sift through the clutter, offer some insight, common sense and help you read between the lines of the ‘things wey dey happen for obodo Naija’.
Here goes:
Tonto’s iPhone Advice
Last week, Tonto Dikeh dished out a very important counsel to desperate ladies on the hunt for the new iPhone 11.
The actress cautioned her compatriots against sleeping with “100 men to get this phone” – when they can get ONE LOADED BIG gOD to buy it for them.
“No wound yaself mu sisters. Take it easy on your pu**y,” she said.
To elucidate her point; why go through so much vaginal torture for a phone you can get by just being nice to an attention-starved old man.
Tontolet also noted that “there is nothing special about the phone” – leaving us wondering why she purchased three; one for herself, her father and another for the love of her life, Bobrisky.
Tacha’s Looney Army
To Tacha’s supporters, she is saint-like, free of blemish, god of all women and queen mother of every Nigerian — dead or living.
Some fans of the hugely-popular BBNaija housemate are unhinged and their looney-ness has been on national display in recent days.
Ever since her epic fight with Mercy of the Lambo Ministry, her fans have kept her trending with bizarre hashtags, accused Big Brother of holding her hostage, alleged that her manager and boyfriend were embezzling her money.
Some even took it to a whole new level by checking into the hotel she was supposedly being held hostage. If that isn’t stalking, I don’t know what is.
The drama had a ton of twist and turns; Zlatan put out the teaser for a Tacha-inspired ‘body odour’ song, a certain Peter Okoye pulled what Peters are best known for while Jaruma Dangote promised to give her N50m – just like that.
The roller-coaster of insane adulation only started to abate when the Queen of Titans – who has now enrolled in the school of emotions-control – emerged from what was apparently a self-imposed three days hiatus.
Finally, it’s all over… we hope.
Runtown Runs Home
Runtown has now become the latest wantaway artist to eat the humble pie, retrace his steps and swallow his vomit.
After two years of dragging Dilly Umenyiora, his former record label boss, through the mud and getting the same treatment in return, he’s finally born again.
Both parties recently kissed and made up, with Runtown appearing repentant, remorseful and taking back all he’s said in the past year about Dilly.
Moral of the story: Dear upcoming artists, don’t act a fool after realizing that you signed a slave contract. Accept your fate and see out your deal.
Bobrisky’s Hype Man
Olusegun Runsewe, DG of National Council for Arts and Culture, also known as ‘Culture Defender’, has effectively become the hype man of Bobrisky, a man-woman he deems a threat to national security.
One minute, he is calling him a national disaster and embarrassment, then he brands him corrupter of culture and much recently, a virus worse than the deadly Ebola.
That’s a lot of accolades for one transgender who is even still struggling to get his grammar in order.
But Runsewe doesn’t see him that way, rather as someone who could “destroy the future of our youths and unborn Nigerians”.
If there’s one thing the culture defender has successfully done, it is to have introduced Bobrisky to the older generation who were oblivious of him before now.
Hype man.
Teni-Wizkid Affair
When next you see Teni The Entertainer, address her accordingly as Iya Ibeji (Yoruba salutation for pregnant women).
The self-proclaimed Oba Orin recently got pregnant for Ayo ‘Wizkid’ Balogun – after doing a marathon on his new single, ‘Joro’
As he is set to become a father for the fourth time, the superstar singer may now have to intensify efforts on his proposed ‘ashawo’ business – which coincidentally will be funded by Teni’s ‘Billions’.
Family business. Goals.
Side-EYE
This season of BBNaija has taught us many things, one of which is that Seyi Awolowo is a fully grown 30-something-year-old child.
A few days ago, the entitled teenager in him forced its way through when BamBam and Teddy A came visiting.
Already known for having loose lips and being imature, the grandson of Obafemi Awolowo had viewers cringing as he just couldn’t hide his infatuation with BamBam.
Shall we blame it on the alcohol again – or does the “real prick” really need to grow up?