TrueYarn: Love-Starved Davido, Lawani Escort Service, Yeezus Meets Jesus

In this age of social media, if you blink twice, you may miss something. And because everything is now fast-paced, clarity is often lost in the noise of clickbait headlines, unending chatter of Twitter lords and visual excesses of Instagram sensations.

Enters TrueYarn to sift through the clutter, offer some insight, common sense and help you read between the lines of the ‘things wey dey happen for obodo Naija’.

Here goes:

Lawani escort service

Toyin Lawani is a hot commodity with “extremely high” taste and huge demands. If you don’t have deep pockets, steer clear of her or stay in your lane.

But just in case you are interested in feting her, you must pay N2 million into her bank account — upfront. No IOU, no room for ‘promise and fail’ or ‘stories that touch’.

And because she’s not “officially stupid”, the fashion entrepreneur can’t get all dressed up, do make-up, and forsake her “amazing clients” just to spend free time with you. Who are you?

By the way, if the thought just crossed your mind, you are wrong! There’s no way in hell Lawani is offering professional escort service.

Love-starved Davido

Davido is the most hated artiste in Nigeria – the hate is so intense that it has catapulted him into one of the biggest music stars in Africa.

Radio DJs and OAPs’ hatred of him has continuously inspired them to keep playing his songs for the past seven years — in spite of his croaked voice.

In fact, all his fellow artistes hate on him every day “from morning to night” because detesting Davido gives their careers oxygen.

After all these years, Davido is “already used to” the hate and no one can blame him for struggling to recognize true love.

It can’t be easy.

Annoyed Presidents

At 74, Yoweri Museveni could be prone to high blood pressure, hence “alarming” him can’t be good for his health.

So it’s quite understandable that Bobi Wine, Ugandan singer-politician, is being charged with intending to “alarm, annoy or ridicule” his president.

Museveni has been president for 33 years and because he plans to rule till he dies, Wine now risks a maximum sentence of life imprisonment if convicted.

Dear Nigerians, please think twice before annoying General Muhammadu Buhari.

Omoyele Sowore, who plagiarised the “revolution” he once called for, is now in DSS custody until the foreseeable future.

Yeezus meets Jesus

Kanye ‘Yeezus’ West has surrendered all of himself to the only one that’s greater than him; Jesus ‘Saviour’ Christ.

In recent months, the rapper has gone from being ‘maga-ed’ by Donald Trump to hosting music-filled Sunday services in random outdoor locations.

According to Nicki Minaj, all those worship sessions have paid off and “he’s now a born-again Christian”.

Given the turn of events, Drake Fans Global Association (DFGA) are expecting his dislike of their patron to finally subside.

Anita’s body blues

Anita Joseph is justifiably livid with “someone” who goes about gossiping about her penchant for exercising her fundamental human right — twerking in videos.

The actress says we are lucky she doesn’t dig out her inner Maheeda to dance naked in videos.

Joseph, who once said “people use my videos and pictures to ‘help’ themselves”, has refused to be shamed for being endowed.

Why should she apologize for helping millions of men across Nigeria exercise their fundamental human right?

Let her twerk in peace.

Side-EYE

In spite of what you may have read or heard, Ebelechukwu Obiano, wife of Governor Willie Obiano, actually deserves encomiums.

To take attention away from the deceased at a funeral can’t be an easy feat.

Ebele and her N995k Gucci glasses will never be forgotten.