In this age of social media, if you blink twice, you may miss something. And because everything is now fast-paced, clarity is often lost in the noise of clickbait headlines, unending chatter of Twitter lords and visual excesses of Instagram sensations.
Enters TrueYarn to sift through the clutter, offer some insight, common sense and help you read between the lines of the ‘things wey dey happen for obodo Naija’.
Here goes:
Wild High Tontolet
When Nigerians are in town, the living and the dead must feel their presence.
Last weekend, many of our local celebrities temporarily migrated to Dubai – and they made sure to take their famous ‘Nigerian anyhowness’ along with them.
Tonto Dikeh, who was in Dubai for the One Africa Music Fest, displayed her well-known propensity for dramatic outbursts.
The actress was said to have been arrested after assaulting a guard – because she was refused entrance into the venue of the concert.
The most bizarre part of her alleged act is that she reportedly called a white security guard ‘a nigga’ while yelling and cursing.
Dear kids, stay off intoxicants. They tend to impair judgement. Even your favourite celebrity WCE can testify.
Davido’s Inner ‘Agbero’
For long, many have postulated that Davido Adeleke had ‘agbero’ tendencies – but we have continuously shut down the notion, saying it is impossible.
We chose not to believe it, because, think about it, how can a billionaire’s son who is a billionaire in his own eyes be a closet tout?
But it appears we have been wrong all along. Much recently, the ‘inner agbero’ in Davido forced its way to public reckoning.
It was tired of being tamed and stifled. A lifetime of suppression had become depressing. It needed freedom. It needed to breathe and express itself.
Hence it allegedly went on a violent spree in Dubai, punching in the club and “stabbing three people” to make up for all the years of violent-starvation.
Alas, at last, Davido’s Inner Agbero has arrived the scene. Welcome, Baba Alaye.
Wizkid-Tiwa Killing BFF
Code Red. Code Red.
We can’t take this anymore. We’ve had enough. This continuous display of aggressive PDA is getting out of hand.
This ongoing redefining of the BFF relationship by Wizkid and Tiwa Savage is starting to scare us.
These two cannot continue to do this to us. This public oppression must stop.
We, the association of romantics, on this day call on TeeBillz to step in and do the world a favour; save the institution of BFF from losing its original meaning.
Lion ‘Maiguard’
If you have ever been in Lagos traffic, you must have heard the term ‘animal’ being thrown around from driver to driver like ball on a basketball court.
So, since we are all animals in Lagos, an Indian national deemed it right to guard his house with the king of the jungle.
Absolutely no harm done. None whatsoever. Not even the fact that his house is opposite a school can make his act wrong.
The Indian is merely acclimatizing; adjusting to his present environment.
Etinosa’s Testimony
Dear girls, be like Etinosa Idemudia – reply your DM whenever an “angel” slides in.
There just may be a helper somewhere out there who is willing and ready to humble you to tears with a Mercedes Benz gift.
You may ask: how will I know my angel? To put it short and succinctly, he must be rich and a cheerful giver.
If he’s anything other than that, he must be a demon. For more enquiries, slide into Etinosa’s DM to obtain clarification and guidance.
Side-EYE
After the court threw out Busola Dakolo’s rape case against Biodun Fatoyinbo, the rapist pastor triumphantly mounted his church’s pulpit and as expected, got a hero’s reception.
Addressing his congregation, he said: “I was just weeping yesterday. I was trying not to talk. I am a very very emotional person.”
In response, someone on Instagram said Fatoyinbo was “just pre-weeping,” adding that “when the real weeping comes, you won’t be able to describe it yourself.