In this age of social media, if you blink twice, you may miss something. And because everything is now fast-paced, clarity is often lost in the noise of click bait headlines, unending chatter of Twitter lords and visual excesses of Instagram sensations.
Enters TrueYarn to sift through the clutter, offer some insight, common sense and help you read between the lines of the ‘things wey dey happen for obodo Naija’.
Here goes:
Tekno The Threat
Dear Nigerians, an official of your government wants you to fear Augustine ‘Tekno’ Kelechi more than you are scared of kidnappers, police brutality, herdsmen and Boko Haram insurgents.
The Slim Daddy with a big banana who’s struggling to regain his voice has been deemed “a threat to national security”. Don’t laugh. This is a serious matter.
For allegedly promoting public indecency, Segun Runsewe, DG, National Council for Arts and Culture, says Tekno will be used “as a scapegoat to send strong signals that this government does not tolerate immorality”.
To show the severity of his crime, Runsewe says security agencies will be asked to place Tekno “on their watch list”, not for killing, looting, treason or terrorism — but for shooting a video in which strippers were seen dancing in a transparent bus.
According to Runsewe, Tekno’s act is shameful and abnormal – but of course, not as shameful as old men chasing after their daughters’ age mates.
Meanwhile, the judge of anomalies added that “the federal government will henceforth fish out clubs for nude dancers across the country for their promoters to face prosecution”.
Translation: Boys who cannot afford to have private strip sessions in presidential suites of hotels will now be forced to resort to porn and porn alone.
We are all foolish?
If you have ever flaunted material acquisition — even if just a new shoe or bag — on social media, you are the opposite of wise, which is = foolish.
This verdict comes not from us but straight from the mouth of Idowu Philips, the Nollywood veteran actress we all know as Iya Rainbow.
“It is those who are not wise that are showing their wealth on social media,” says the actress who is set to celebrate her 77th birthday.
So dear flaunters, would-be and aspiring flaunters, when next you want to show off on social media – ask yourself; am I foolish or wise?
Maraji’s ignorance
Everyone is livid but Maraji says she is “not trying to offend anyone”.
In case you are lost or were too stuffed with meat during the eid el-Kabir celebration, the princess of Instagram comic skits said there’s no heaven for Muslims, Buddhists, and people who worship Ifa.
Exhibiting the richness of her ignorance and limit of her knowledge, she said: “There’s only one way to heaven. No Allah, no Buddha ,no Krishna, no evolution. Only Jesus. We don’t worship the same God.”
And just as Twitter theologians were scrambling to replenish her dearth of understanding, Mr. Reno Omokri said: “Maraji is partly right. The only way to God is though Yeshua, not Jesus.”
Thank you, Reno. Such wisdom from a great Twitter warrior like you.
Sonia bows out
Like a sleek playboy who never gets caught or a debtor-tenant dodging his landlord, IK Ogbonna has been evasive about the actual state of his marriage for the past one year.
But the cat is now out of the bag with Sonia Morales recently letting the feline out to play.
The model, who came into Ogbonna’s life once upon a time when he was “stark broke”, made us understand that their marriage ended “a long time ago”
In her goodbye letter which left amebo fans with more questions than answers, Sonia notably thanked Ogbonna “for not prolonging the hardship” she endured.
Whatever that means?
80% hate Cuppy
DJ Cuppy and Davido appear to have one thing in common: the yearn to be loved.
Just like Davido had said he never gets love from the industry, the disc jockey now says 80% of Nigerians don’t like her.
To help Cuppy understand the reasons behind this lack of like, she should look no further than her recent video with Zlatan Ibile:
1. She has murdered the pronunciation of kapaichumarimarichopaco.
2. She turned Zlatan into a senselessly-grinning, blushing babe in her new video.
3. She had the usually brash, street-hop rapper looking demure and saying things like “so nice” in a sexy voice.
Comment if you’re ready for #GELATO 🍧 ft @Zlatan_Ibile !!! pic.twitter.com/lQtqlSarj8
— Cuppy (@cuppymusic) August 13, 2019
Side-EYE
To help Mercy Aigbe fight critics of her bikini photos, Toyin Lawani decided to post a comprehensively airbrushed nude picture of herself, although it was bereft of nipples and vagina.
Mercy must be bursting with gratitude and thankful to the innovator behind Lawani Escort Service.
So magnanimous.
