TrueYarn: Kenya’s Kim K ‘Unbleaches’, Soapy Virus Spreads & Lilian Bound To Ubi

In this age of social media, if you blink twice, you may miss something. And because everything is now fast-paced, clarity is often lost in the noise of click-bait headlines, unending chatter of Twitter lords and visual excesses of Instagram sensations.

Enters TrueYarn to sift through the clutter, offer some insight, common sense and help you read between the lines of the ‘things wey dey happen for obodo Naija’.

Here goes:

Kenyan Kim Kardashian ‘unbleaches’

Vera Sidika is back to being black again, after five years of walking in the shoes of a light-skinned woman.

If you don’t know Sidika, she’s a famous video vixen and risk-taking entrepreneur. Her savvy for investing was clear for all to see in 2014 when the Instagram model revealed that she spent “a fortune” to bleach her skin for purely business purposes.

“The more hot I look, the more money I get,” Sidika said at the time, despite being called “a corpse” by fellow Instagram hottie, Huddah Monroe.

Having recouped her investment in spite of the constant criticism and bleach-shaming, Sidika is now blazing the trail of ‘unbleaching’, serving as an inspiration to many hopefuls.

She also has the exclusive honour of being among the few people who will process important documentation (ID, passport, bank papers, ATM card) for the third time in their lifetime.

What a feat!

Naira Marley virus

In under two years, Naira Marley has gone from Issa Goal champion to Yahoo Yahoo ambassador, straight to EFCC detention, and then out to inspire violence and feed you ‘Soapy’.

Listening to his music is like binge-drinking Skoochies at Fela’s Shrine; it brings out the worst in you — makes you feel like doing all the vile desires you constantly rebuke in your mind.

The Marley virus is spreading so fast that videos of people touching themselves for real while dancing to ‘Soapy’ are starting to surface online.

And now…. *drumroll please* …. the masturbation anthem is the most-played song in Nigeria, according to Apple Music.

God job, Marlians.

Here’s one for the road.

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Forever by force

‘Till death do us part‘ has come back to haunt Lilian Esoro as she seeks to divorce Ubi Franklin.

The Nollywood actress wants out of the marriage, but a Lagos judge says there’s no chance of that happening.

According to the judge, Esoro’s reason for wanting to sever ties with the baby-making machine is not good enough.

Verdict Explained: As long as the actress refuses to snitch on the billions-maker or defame his character in court, she will remain legally bound to him.

Ubi’s enemies must be smacking their lips in anticipation.

Always CALL HER after sex

After a night of consensual sex with a woman, dear guys, please call her back, no matter how the encounter went.

Don’t be like Reekado Banks, lest you end up being called out on live TV.

Quick one for presenters; whenever a caller starts a sentence with “the unfortunate thing is”, please cut the call and blame ‘poor network’.

Meanwhile, someone said, “Reekado should step down as a musician until this allegation is sorted out”.

We play too much.

Tope, the puddle splasher

Assisted by multiple accents, Topefnr Abiola vented profusely a few days ago, asking that: ‘Is it my fault if I splash people while driving?’ ‘Am I supposed to be concerned?’

Driving lesson 101: It is illegal to splash someone with a puddle when driving.

The fashion designer apparently does not know this and it’s obvious she failed her driving test or never took one — but, hey, this is Nigeria.

ICYMI: Just last year, Abiola asked ex-Lagos governor Akinwunmi Ambode to build a wall separating the Island from the Mainland.

Now, we know for sure that Abiola does not like poor people.

Side-EYE

According to Pastor Chibuzor Ukaonu of the Restored Bible Tabernacle: “Any woman that says ‘I went to my boyfriend’s house and he raped me’, is not saying the truth because; wetin carry you go to his house?”

To clarifying any confusion you might have, Pastor Chibuzor is saying there’s no room for NO between two romantically-involved persons.

Who shall tell him?